Annoucer Financial Planning - Our Big Seven Takeouts

1. "The industrialisation of China"

China cannot be relied upon like the Selleys 'no more gaps' of the global economy, to pork barrel successive Australian Governments.

Literally no other country on earth benefited more from the industrialisation of China via terms of trade than us Aussies, and now it's over we need to lift productivity (fast) and surprise surprise - it's the small business community who is finally being empowered to get down and dirty.

2. "The Temporary Deficit Levy"

Newsflash - the quite dangerously termed 'temporary deficit levy' (for income earners over $180,000) is actually going to be temporary! It appears that the newly named "Temporary Senate Cross Bench" will not be opposing!

3. "Funding the income of an average Australian in their retirement years"

SUPER - Is it becoming more Clarke Kent and less Man of Steel?
After 20 years of compulsory super and an impressive figure in excess of $2 trillion (ask Sheldon Cooper for how big that is) the Leaders of our nation have decided that the intention of Superannuation is going to be:

"To fund/replace the income of an average Australian (which we learned last night was circa $80,000) in their retirement years"

And not:

"A vehicle to accumulate wealth in excess of the requirements noted above." Now doubt this National Motherhood statement will be rolled out by either party within weeks of whomever wins the next election.

What does that mean? Lower concessions ($25,000 max) and capped totals ($1.6 million) to all clients this is where the rubber hits the road, please either read the attached technical document or call your trusted adviser.

4. "The Gold Coast is to receive funding for..."

The Gold Coast is to receive funding for drug testing (Commonwealth Games 2018) which has been widely supported by the large constituent of recreational drug users on the GC as they have quote "been gutted at the quality of pills at Schoolies".

5. "Being used by both parties as a piggy bank is uncool"

"I Smoke and I Vote" bumper stickers are due to have a resurgence in popularity as there is bipartisan support towards slugging members of the electorate.

Next it will be the UK style tax on soft drinks! (Whatever happened to the kid on the 1998 cover of Fat Boy Slim's classic "You've come a long way baby"?) .... Bottom line - smoking is really expensive and will hurt your retirement goals, but being used by both parties as a piggy bank is uncool.

6. "Yellow Submarine"

DEFENCE - in a scene out of a David Lynch script, (only this week a lost roll of Beatles footage was found in an Adelaide tip ... (behave!) which had the missing minutes of the iconic "yellow submarine" song), which clearly outlined South Australian Submarine policy and hastily removed Japan (birthplace of Yoko Ono) and is replaced by literally anyone else. The result is a $29.9 billion allocation to Defence spending and a very juicy win for SA.

7. "Cutting commercial TV and radio licence fees"

ABC & SBS avoid more bloodshed! 'Littlefinger' has stopped cutting the broadcaster's budget (although may have wished to have carved-out Leigh Sales - after the fireside chat) and actually cut commercial TV and radio licence fees by 25% which is ultimately like putting a band aid on a gunshot wound for TV as more people stream.


  • Clive Palmer was approached for this story ... - no comment
  • Ted Cruz was approached for this story... - no comment
  • The entire Senate Cross Bench (excluding Nick X) was approached... - no comment
  • Our lawyers were approached for this story - and had the following comment:

"Clearly this is a satirical attempt at humour, that in their opinion was neither funny nor accurate, and that any individual who actually wanted the facts were to read the attached fact based document, or call their trusted adviser."